Communication Tips For Couples

Thu, Jun 19, 2008

We all tend to operate in a comfort zone or habitual manner. Certain ways of being and interacting with others feel safe to us and so that’s how we tend to live our lives. This is especially so when it comes to couples. There’s nothing wrong with having a comfort zone. However, when you and your partner are stuck in habits that don’t allow you to be as close and connected as you could be, your comfort zones are a place to look to for expansion.

It is at the edge of your habitual ways of being that change can happen. The difference could be communicating with one another in the usual manner often tinged with hesitation, fear and even anger or communicating with a sense of openness and growing connection.

You and your partner probably have your own ways of communicating that you’ve each been practicing for a long time. If you find that you don’t speak honestly and openly with one another-and perhaps even fear the other’s reaction-then you’re probably stuck in a disconnecting pattern.

Ted considers himself a strong, yet gentle, man. He’s always considered himself a sensitive kind of guy who tunes in to what the woman in his life wants. This seems to have worked well-until now. Ted’s been with Kate for a year and loves her deeply. They recently moved in together, but this change in their relationship has brought new tensions. Kate likes to know Ted’s schedule and gets irritated when he doesn’t share with her when he’ll be home and what he’ll be doing while away. Frankly, it’s starting to get on Ted’s nerves but he just doesn’t know how to bring up how he feels without sending Kate into a tirade. Ted’s perceptions of women are that you keep them happy no matter what or you’ll pay. To avoid conflict, Ted has become more and more evasive about his schedule and yesterday he even lied about dinner plans so that he could just get out by himself and clear his head.

Know your zone

In a relationship, it may seem clear to you what the other person is doing and what he or she needs to do differently so that things can get better. As clear and logical as this may appear to you, it’s probably not going to happen. Ted can wait around forever in his usual ways of communicating (or avoiding conflict in his case) and not only will Kate probably not change, but their relationship will likely become more and more disconnected. Another option is for Ted to look within himself and get to know his communication comfort zone.

Ted might notice that he’ll do just about anything to avoid upsetting his mate-even if it means being dishonest and withdrawing. He may have had past experiences that reinforce this pattern, but chances are he’s just become accustomed to communicating in this way. Step back and observe what you tend to do in a particular situation. Do you tend to lash out before listening? Is it your habit to bottle up how you feel so you don’t upset your partner? Neither of these tendencies is enjoyable to experience, but they are in your comfort zone because it’s the way you tend to communicate– almost without thinking about it. To do otherwise, might even feel foreign, wrong, or scary to you.

Find your edge

Now that you have a clearer view of how you tend to communicate, you can more easily find your edge. First we encourage you to take a deep breath and be gentle with yourself. If you begin to judge your habits as bad or the “cause” of your relationship problems, you will only become more stuck in the disconnection!

Try this visualization… Close your eyes and picture yourself standing in a literal circle drawn on the ground. See yourself standing firmly within the circle and your partner standing in his or her own circle away from you. Your circle is your comfort zone. Ted’s circle is all about keeping the peace at any cost. Now see yourself calmly walking to the edge of that circle. In your mind, simply take a step outside the circle, closer to your partner. For Ted, this step feels like sharing with Kate that he wants more private time.

As you find your edge in your mind, you can more easily find it in your actions and relationship. Rather than making up a reason, Ted can start by honestly telling Kate he wants to have some time by himself. Kate may surprise him by not reacting angrily. They each could begin to share with one another their needs in this new phase of the relationship. Perhaps Ted will learn more about why Kate seems controlling as he opens up to her by sharing and listening.

Stepping outside your comfort zone may seem downright terrifying as you stand in the place of what you’ve always done. We encourage you to take just one step beyond your edge and experience how good it can feel to expand into love and connection.

Post by Susie and Otto Collins; They help people create more connected, loving relationships and are the authors of a new program Stop Talking on Eggshells.

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