How to Move Past an Affair
Original Post by: Katie Lersch
I am often approached by women who have had some time to process and heal after their husband’s affair. Their husbands are usually genuinely sorry, want very much to stay in the marriage, and are trying to facilitate the healing. Everything seems to be in place, but so often, I still hear the same thing. “I want to get past this affair. I wish I could just turn it off like a light switch. I value you my marriage and want to move forward, but I just can not seem to be able to get past it.”
First, I have to tell you that this is absolutely normal. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. This does not mean that you don’t love your husband enough or haven’t really forgiven him. In this article, I’ll discuss why you may be having a hard time moving on, and I’ll offer you some tips and techniques to get past the affair.
Evaluate Your Real Truth (Not Just What You Think It Should Be)
Many women worry so much about what is the “right” way to react in this situation. So, they put on a stiff upper lip, tell themselves that perhaps some of the affair was their fault, and, to shield themselves from the pain, they soldier forward even though they aren’t quite ready.
Or, because they don’t want to make an already awful situation worse, they hold back on the rage they feel toward their husbands, fearing that allowing him to see the dark place where they’re left right now is only going to push him further away.
But, here’s the problem with these scenarios. By pushing all of these feelings in and suppressing them, all you are doing in ensuring that they have to come back out later. You can’t really move on if you are leaving these things on the table. Do the necessary work so that you know the affair wasn’t your fault. Allow yourself to express your feelings of anger and doubt. It’s best to say these things to your husband directly (in a gentle way of course), but if you can’t do that, journal or talk to a trusted friend. You must get these things out or you will never be free of them.
Create A New Normal
One of the real dangers of trying to move forward after an affair is that every little thing reminds you of the pain. You may be eating breakfast one second while an image of the other woman floats into your head. Suddenly a decent start to your day is completely destroyed from one small image in your mind. Perhaps you and your husband are out together and you pass a restaurant that you suspect your husband dined in with her. It’s very hard to move on when these irritating images always come popping up.
What is very often needed is a change of scenery. Go to new places. Visit nearby towns. I’ve actually witnessed couples literally move to a new area or home after an affair very successfully. This may seem drastic, but sometimes these measures are necessary. Because if you’re forced to pass by buildings and streets that are going to remind you of your pain, the wound will be reopened quite often.
The idea is to create new memories in new, fresh, exciting places that belong to only the two of you. You’re going for a better, stronger more exciting version of what was lost. And you want to set it up so that there’s no way to even compare the two. Because you wouldn’t want to.
(And it should go without saying that if your husband worked with the “other woman” he should be transferred. Neither of you should be faced with this woman every day.)
Making It Better Than Ever Makes It Easier To Move On
Hopefully, I’ve shown you how important it is to create a new, better, marriage with new memories, so that you aren’t having to constantly look back and remember painful reminders.
This is only part of the equation. An affair can actually be a blessing if you use it as a wake up call to jump start your affection, communication, and compromising skills. People who’ve almost lost their soul mate via grave mistakes are often very willing to turn over a newer, better way of doing things. The result can be a hugely better, more intimate, more satisfying marriage in which both parties are so happy and fulfilled, they’re much more interested in moving forward onto better things than in staying stuck in the painful past.
Always check yourself and ask if your actions are keeping you in the past or are springing you into a much better future. Don’t allow one act to ruin a relationship you’ve worked years to build. Actively take control and move toward reclaiming what’s yours.
******
Although I never would’ve believe this two years ago, my marriage is stronger than ever after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/