How We Seek Sex, Who We Seek It From And How Passionate We Are When Giving It

Yes. You read it correctly. Your personal motives for having sex not only predict how you will have sex but where you will get it from.

A variety of motives for having sex have been identified in the literature on sexual behavior. The average man and woman tends to seek sex to increase the sense of emotional closeness/intimacy, pleasure, safety, reassurance, comfort, and distress-regulation. These inner drives power how we seek sex, who we seek it from and how passionate we are when giving it.

Where do you fall?

1. Sex Avoidant

Sex Avoidant individuals tend to be uncomfortable with emotional closeness and downplay sexual desire. They, at some deeper level have convinced themselves that their sexual needs will not be reliably served and as far as they are concerned sexual desire is overrated and sexual activity really unnecessary. They do not expect sex to reassure, comfort or give them any pleasure and therefore do not generally seek contact for such purposes. Because sex avoidant individuals seem to employ “deactivating” strategies that suppress sexual desire they can be relatively comfortable living a life without sex (lucky them!). This however, does not mean that all sex avoidant individuals avoid all sexual contact. Some of them do enjoy affectionate pre sex activities such as cuddling, kissing, and holding hands but that’s where they draw the line.

2. Sex Anxious

Sex Anxious Individuals feel uncertain, fearful, insecure, worry too much about potential rejection and are more vigilant regarding threats to the stability of a relationship, when they are in one. They experience high levels of anxiety and more distress-including low self- esteem, do not have mastery of their external world and feel greater insecurity regarding affection and commitment.

Because of their low levels of trust and interdependence, they approach all contact with the opposite sex with “FEAR” and tend to interpret specific sexual behaviour, gestures, overtones or actual circumstances as threatening, intimidating or rejecting. Their excessive desire to merge with their partner often leads them to be clingy, suspicious, dependent, jealous, controlling and even at times domineering.

Sexual engagement to them is an index of the status of their desirability and of their relationship and as a result tend to have sex as a way to get partners involved in romantic relationships. They will engage in sex primarily to please their partners, feel accepted, and avoid abandonment or in an effort to reestablish contact or restore a relationship with a former sexual partner. A partner’s refusal to have sex is equivalent to rejection or abandonment. Any conflict with their partner can make them feel more anxious and stressful. In most cases, sexual passion escalates after a volatile argument or fight, when “making up” momentarily gives them the reassurance that they are not being rejected or abandoned - YET.

Sex anxious individuals are also less likely to seek new sexual partners and less likely to experience instant sexual arousal with a new partner. Instead they tend to spend more time fantasizing about an ex, and more likely to experience extreme sexual arousal in the presence of an ex especially following a break-up. Ironically, their too much worrying about and during sex negatively impacts on partner sexual satisfaction and partners end up leaving.

3. Sex Confident BUT Emotionally Insecure

Sex confident people who are emotionally immature or insecure are generally confident in their sex appeal and sexual performance but are emotionally struggling, guarded and even distant.
They are flirtatious, sexually seductive, use sexual innuendos and sexual baits when getting to know a new partner. Knowing that they are sexually desirable makes them feel good about themselves and about sex, and rightfully so, since they are usually great sex partners. They are more open (compared to the two types above) to involvement in, relatively uncommitted relationships such as one-night stands or sex outside of established relationships. But despite their sex appeal and great sex performance, they never really can connect to their partners at the emotional level. They tend to seek sex for reassurance, are more likely to use it to regulate feelings of anxiety or other negative moods, and to manipulate (acting cocky or talking baby talk, being verbal and non verbally sexually explicit etc.) sexual partners to achieve other goals.

When they feel insecurity regarding the relationship and affection of their partners (i.e. sense rejection or pending break-up), these people tend to become more sexually aggressive using sex as bait or bargain chip, a tendency that may well end up in obsessive sex seeking behaviour and often become over involved, controlling, or intrusive. A majority of these people end up with people who take the sex (and they do know how to give it like really good) but reject them anyways or call them up once in a while just for sex.

4. Sex Confident AND Emotionally Secure

Sex confident people who are also emotionally secure are generally less prone to seek sex for reassurance and less dependant on it for anxiety regulation. Sex to them provides one of the main avenues to emotional closeness and intimacy (affection, nurturance and care for themselves and their partners) but their sex behaviour is not motivated by unmet needs for closeness or reassurance or anxiety regulation.

These people usually have high self-esteem and self worth. They enjoy getting close to their sexual partners and do not worry unnecessarily about being rejected, abandoned or cheated on. They in general have loving long-term relationships and GREAT SEX.

Try to work on becoming BOTH more sexually confident and emotionally secure in order to make your relationships more loving, fun, passionate, fulfilling, spiritually uplifting - and LASTING!

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Christine Akiteng is an internationally renowned Sexual Confidence/Dating Coach and author offering men and women practical tools and advice on how to make themselves attractive by using natural instinct, common sense and self-knowledge! Christines websites:

DonJuaner.com