Learning To Let Go, Detachment, Dealing With Emotion and Healing The Heart
Fri, Jul 4, 2008
There are three minds. The lower mind - physical, the middle mind - emotional, and the higher mind - spiritual. The lower mind heals through the transference of emotional attachments you cannot overcome the lower minded desire to “hang onto” people, places and things - so we use transference to re attach those needs to different sources. The lower mind has little more awareness than an animal, highly instinctual, protecting itself, creating safety and security, whatever that happens to look like. The lower mind can’t go away, but instead, we simply transfer the attachments it has from one person to another person or to self in order to heal. A key ingredient of that is the ability to “un-heal” when the job is done.
What do I mean? There are an incredible number of people who get shut down to love and intimacy because they heal themselves through transference of everything that they depended on others to get; to themselves. They become independent - individualized - and therefore ego centric and self sufficient. Hence they remain primarily single. Forever shopping, never buying.
To be completely healed - detached - means to become re attached. Once we heal a wound, we need to prove the healing is complete by going back and reattaching. Unhealing brings completion to the letting go cycle, so, there is an intellectual emotional phase to the healing cycle that is not just about the lower mind. We must heal the emotional attachments too. To do this we need to focus on cause and effect, the middle mind, our beliefs and emotions.
Do you remember pushing a child on a swing? You pushed them, they went up and out and then back to you. This is emotion. The push for emotional swings are your beliefs. If you get good news, according to your beliefs you push, if you get bad news the swing comes back. It’s also like the see saw in a children’s play park. One side goes up, emotions are high, then the other side goes up, emotions are low. This is the indisputable middle mind world of emotion and beliefs.
In separation, or heart break, the see saw is really out of control. Up and down and up and down. The more up it was, attracted in the first place - the more down it will go, resentful in the end. Emotions are essential in life because without them, we couldn’t experience life. But they are fickle. They have no base in reality. If you think you are right your emotions go up. If you think you are wrong, your emotions go down. Right and wrong have no foundation except in your mind. A fiction that can cause enormous pleasure and enormous pain. It’s all made up.
The miracle is to see through the fiction of your emotion. Here’s how:
1. For every door that closes another is spontaneously open. So, if you lose your wallet out that door, another wallet appears at another door. If you lose your relationship out one door, another relationship is spontaneously appearing at another door. Nothing is missing. Nature abhors a vacuum. This is the master stroke of detachment.
2. You might think that you are losing something. But you can’t lose something - you can only lose your expectations. If your expectations are broken, in other words if someone does something that you didn’t expect, then you call it a broken heart. They love you, admire you and respect you, but they left you. So you might say they broke your heart, but really, the only thing they did was to not stay around - like you expected. Your expectations got broken, not your heart.
3. People can block your expectations - they cannot block your love. So, our expectations get rejected. This is the journey of the middle mind. To release the expectations and therefore, the pain. If someone leaves, why not say “I didn’t expect them to stay forever” - that’s wiser than moaning about a broken heart and feeling sorry for yourself: isn’t it?
4. Nobody is perfect, but when someone dumps you it becomes very easy to infatuate them. I have seen people go from absolute disinterest in a partner all the way to being suicidal without them, just because they got rejected. There’s two sides to everyone. Never forget it.
5. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sows ear. Basically, people don’t change. They change their mind, their religion, their ideas, and their undies, but people don’t change. Expecting people to change is a complex drama of the lower consciousness - lower mind. People don’t change; but your opinions can.
6. Trust; When my marriage failed my wife said, “Chris, I love you but don’t trust you and I can’t live with a man I don’t trust” - I replied, ambitiously trying to ignore the reality “but I won’t do it again” She was well coached by her therapist “my trust will never come back” and she was right. You can live with someone you don’t love, even an arranged marriage, but you can’t live with someone you can’t trust. Trust is the real foundation of relationship. Once lost, forever lost.
7. Empower yourself by being the cause of the situation you have. Say to yourself: “I want nothing. I need nothing. Therefore, I have everything”
8. Define which of your three minds is attached. If it is your lower mind, transfer that attachment to someone, something else. Even yourself. That’s the real keeper. If it is your middle mind of thoughts and emotions, simply balance it with equal good and bad news. The more thoroughly you do this, the longer it lasts. Many people just balance the current feelings, but I recommend balancing all the good things you can dream up about them, with all the bad things. Really stretch and it lasts a week or two.
9. Willpower. This is the ultimate winner. All of the above help, but without will power you are nothing. Without will - there is no human spirit. Without will there is no love. Without willpower we are live leaves in the wind. If we don’t take the power of will over our cravings for alcohol, food, sympathy - thoughts, we have no God in us at all. God power is will power. The laws of nature are only intellect if you can’t hold your will. So, start learning to master your will. Here’s some clues.
Will power is God power.
Many people talk about spirit, spirituality, healing and detachment and forget to talk about will power. Will power is God power because the power of life is not something you call on, it is something you were born with. Will power brings it up and out into your hands. Without will power the only thing left in life is lower mind, middle mind - ego. To have spirit, to hold your heart open in life, to heal, you must have the will power tapped and harnessed.
Can you skip a meal? Maybe so. Can you skip a meal and not feel hungry? Hunger is the lower minded instinct. Your middle mind can control that. You can raise the power of your will for the middle mind to control your instinct. This is consciousness. You can, from time to time, break a habit. Skip coffee - stop smoking - give up alcohol for a year - stop wasting money - eat vegetables. This is not will - this is discipline or commitment. But to do those things and not miss them: that is willpower.
Will power is the ability to control only your mind, but it begins with your body. Can you freeze your body, lying on the floor for 10 minutes. Without movement. That’s willpower too. Absolute denial of sensory habits. If you can do this, not move a muscle for 10 minutes, you have made great progress in your life.
If you can freeze your body sitting in stillness or lying in stillness, you are mastering will. Now, you can progress to the second level of will. Freeze your mind. If you can freeze your mind on one thought, for 1 minute, you have progressed remarkably. Now you can start to apply will power to your life.
The courage to say, “I will think this one thought today” is amazing. So, you might say to people “have a beautiful day” but do you mean it? To hold a thought that life is beautiful and you wish everyone you meet to “have a beautiful day” is the absolute pinnacle of spiritual manifestation. This requires great courage because you have to process your attachments. Things suck you down. So you have to process life to hold your head up high. And say “I am no better or worse than anyone else”
Can you see the real duty for detachment? Letting go needs willpower and people are looking for process and techniques but they don’t want to apply their masculine energy. They want to be in their feminine energy, creating and building. But to detach you have to apply your will also. The lower mind must be transferred to other sources that are supporting your commitment to hold certain thoughts. Then your mind must be controlled to hold a balance. Then, you apply will. That’s the spirit.
Featured author: Christopher Walker; To learn more about Chris’s work and journeys to Nepal, visit his blog http://chriswalker.typepad.com/chris_blog/ — or the web site http://www.chriswalker.com.au
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Tags: Conflict
July 5th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Is this really written by a guy? It sounds like a lot of stuff that a woman would say ….
July 5th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
@blog2u: sure, this post were written by Christopher Walker from Australia and his site can be found at http://www.chriswalker.com.au.
Why you said this post were written sounds like women stuff?